can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
