oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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