You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
