my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
All I want is dick and wine.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
