you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize