Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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