OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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