Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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