youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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