Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
