I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize