It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize