We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
