dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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