Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize