I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
