Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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