Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
