If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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