I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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