If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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