normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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