I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
