youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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