I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
