explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
