Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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