Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
