Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
