To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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