She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
