i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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