Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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