I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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