After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
