dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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