things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
This house was built for laser tag.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
