Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
