i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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