Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
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