I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
