Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
