Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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