I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he wants to bone in the snuggie
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
