Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize