I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
