so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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