shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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