Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
