we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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