sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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