You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
