I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
