just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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