Taylor Swift is so right about you.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
