I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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