This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
