He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
