I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I can feel your judgement through the phone
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize