smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Non-Jews are for practice
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
