sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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