if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just found puke in my bra..
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
