I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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