All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
