My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
