If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
