If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
